Hi, it's me again...
...so you kinda got the idea of what is going through my mind.
I was reading my old entries and realized that I sort of accomplish all my new year's resolutions (up to 2012) and I still got no idea of who I am or what I want for my future.
It is supposed to be simple, id you ask me, I will answer "I just want to be happy" but I don't know why it is so hard, I don't know what I need to achieve that, I don't know what I want.
If we gather facts, I should be a happy normal person...
- I finished my studies at one of the best universities in my country
- I studied a career considered to be hard and profitable
- I got a job at a remarkable multinational company (I hate it, but that's another topic)
- They have promoted me twice in this company
- They have recognized my good work and capabilities at this job
- I bought my own apartment (still paying it though)
- I was able to keep my life in line when I ended a 6 years relationship
- I managed to recover my closest friends, and to see them frequently
- I can express my opinion an beliefs (you know, this is a hard one for me)
- I have a family that cares a lot for me
- I have an equilibrated life, where I work, I party, I see my friends, I do my stuff, I see my family, I travel, I work out...
- I have a relationship (kind of...)
- I can buy everything I want (I think I expend more than I should in trifles...)
So what? why?
In the last 3 years I have tried so hard to understand myself, that here is where I'll try to describe my personal growth and findings, and try to put in words what I have read between the lines of my history.
I'm a really damaged person (you already knew that, but I realized I'm more damaged than I thought). I had always thought that everyone have their own scars, but somehow I figured out that mine aren't as common as a I thought, and over all that, when I try to talk about this with 'normal' people, they feel awkward about it, and just try to calm me and change the subject as fast as they can.
In the last years I have come to know the other side of these stories and I learned that I wasn't the only one suffering this whole time, I heard my brothers' stories, my parents', his's and your's ... and most importantly, I have heard my own spoken out loud and realized that it still hurts as fuck, that I have tried all of these years to lock it away and act as it never happened and try to smile to the world even when the only thing I desire is to die...
And, since there is this huge part of me that I have always hidden I don't really know who I am.
Then... I realized that I have never being alone in my life, always there's been someone by my side... ...a friend, a lot of acquaintances, a boyfriend, you, my brothers, my brothers' friends, my family, my extended family. And I don't mean that I was really with those people, I was just using the same space of them, and this allowed me to thought of anything but how I really felt. Every time, depending on who I was with I adapted and become someone else, the person that I was expected to be in that situation. Even in my personal relationships, each time, with each boyfriend I was a completely different person I stopped doing what they didn't liked about me, and start doing what they liked to do. I've been a skater, metal music lover, fast food eater, pierced myself, a mmorpg player, a comic lover, a tcg player, a religious person, drinker, smoker, a stoner, anime lover, I stopped drinking, smoking, seeing my friends, exercising, going dancing, being physically close to my friends, seeing my family, started over drinking again, smoking, eating.... and sorry for this, I know probably you don't want to read about this but it also was like this with sex... I did it, stopped it, did it again, over do it, stop again... and it never was about me, none of this was about me. None of this was something I was curious about, I just did it because I was told to try it, and someone expected me to like it. And of course, if it was going to help to avoid being alone I would go ahead. I never asked myself if I wanted some of that, it was always about making that person happy, making them to like me, to be interested about me, to try to make them care for me... and when I didn't had a boyfriend I tried to satisfy my parents, they are the reason I studied what I studied, I live where I live, I work where I work...
This is the reason why everyone of them fall for me, because I was being a reflection of what they wanted in someone, and the ones that has issues with that, is because they didn't have a clue what they wanted.
And I am so sick about this, I wanna stop, but I can't because with my 32 years of life I have no idea of who I am. I want someone to fall for me, the real me, not the person they think I am or who I should be, but this can't happen since even I know who I am. I'm none of that personas and all of them at the same time.
At the beginning of this blog I think I was learning to be myself, but then the "Pequeño Porteño" experience screw all of that, everything started bad.... and he fucked what it could have been, he told me that he didn't wanted something real and I accepted it, and restrained my feelings, I suffered a lot, convinced me it was OK, it was really hard and sad and then I just stopped being me at all. Then he wanted something real, he told me he loved me, but it was too late and everything I was able to do was cry and run away, because I had trained me to be numb for so long that I forgot how was to feel.
Then... the "Best Friend" came.
/*-------- BREAK TIME ---------
This is so fun I have to nickname all of them (sorry, but this is my blog, if you don't want to read it go away):
- 2000 - You
- 2003 - The Crazy One
- 2004 - The Psycho
- 2006 - Obsession
- 2008 - What should never have happened
- 2009 - Penguin
- 2011 - Pequeño Porteño
- 2012 - Best Friend
- 2017 - Walk of Shame
- 2017 - Walk of Sad Sad Shame
- 2017 - Walk of the Real Shame (FML Never Again)
- 2017 - ...can't really nickname you just yet
(It was hard remembering most of the dates)
------- END OF BREAK TIME -------*/
OK, then the "Best Friend" came. He really was my best friend, for the first time someone really heard me and understand some of the things I had gone through, he really cared about me and I lost it. I thought this was how it was supposed to be, but I couldn't be more wrong. I was so grateful to finally find someone who cared, that I gave him everything, everything. This is when I thought I was really being me, but when I finally lost myself forever. I lost everything and everyone and when you told me I wasn't giving enough is when I lost it, and realized I wanted to be me again, a little bit, but who was I?
I was alone for the first time, but really alone. Stopped eating, stopped laughing, stopped feeling, stopped caring and then I couldn't stand it anymore. I couldn't stand myself, I hated me. On 2017's new year's eve, after the last time I dared to hurt myself (physically) I promised I would enjoy life and entered into the biggest depression of all... I couldn't be alone because I hated me, so I just drank and drank and drank until I forgot was I was trying to avoid, and look to spend time with more people... and was the saddest period of all. You remember it... I had to beg people to spend time with me, some of them did it for pity, some of them because they wanted something else, and maybe no one because they really enjoyed being with me...
...to be continued.
