I'm sick...

38,5°C
All day in bed
Red eyes
Aching throat and stomach
Intermittent tears
And yet I have a lot work to do. Done a lot today, but it's never enough.


But I'm not going to write about this, because deep inside I'm just sick of this story.
... of became involved again and again in nothing more than a hopeless story.

Every time I start telling myself I wont get involved, but I can't stick to it.
I was thinking maybe I just don't deserve something different, but no... of course I do, it is just that I'm looking for something that just a few are able to give.

When I start liking, loving, enjoying someone... I just want to make him feel as comfortable as I can, I adapt myself to his lifestyle, to his habits, to his likes in order to make them happy, but, doing this I just make aside my own feelings and desires... and slowly I become miserable, after all.... no one would do this for me.

It's my fault... but I can't fix it, 'cause when I realize I'm doing it again... it's too late.


I want the fairy tale.


Today I bought more minutes for my cellphone, third time this month... but I'm resisting the temptation of using it. I decided it.... I won't call you today, neither tomorrow.
It's time to stop this. Normally I would visit you and talk about it, but, we never get any type of commitment so I suppose I just can wait till the time work things out for us.
I shall not fall again, I wont let anyone to hurt me again.

Right now I'm self-hatred, self-loathing... my only wish is to run away as far as I can, because that's the only thing I can do. I'm thinking seriously to leave the country for an undefined period in August. May be I'll go to Sweden, visit you, stay with you...who knows.